The last 8 months...

The last 8 months have been a little crazy to say the least.  Adjusting to life with 2 little ones has been harder for me then I thought it would be.  Writing this post is actually been really hard for me.  It has taken me 8 months to do it.  No one likes to admit that they struggled especially when it comes to being a mom.

When you are pregnant your doctor talks to you about the "baby blues" that may occur after you deliver your bundle of joy.  With Rowan I had the normal mood swings and crying spells, but only once or twice in the first couple weeks.  I didn't even think anything of it.  Ryan was amazing and super helpful and all was good. 

Emmersyn has been a different story.  Immediately after her delivery I was relieved and happy, but I started to feel more anxious about everything that was about to happen.  I'm not one to enjoy much change so I anticipated these feelings, but I remember thinking I wasn't going to be able to do it.  I wasn't going to be able to be a great mom to this precious little girl like I was a great mom to Rowan.  She cried more than Rowan did and breast feeding was more painful then it had initially been with Rowan.  I didn't bond as quickly with Emmersyn as I had with Rowan and I was very conscious of that fact.  The first week was the normal up and downs with an infant and toddler and I tried to just tell myself that it was the "baby blues" and it would all pass.  Ryan was  his amazing self by being helpful when I needed it. 

I think it was still within the first two weeks of Emmersyn being home that I was particularly sad.  I remember I was sitting on the couch holding her and I was looking at her beautiful face and all I could think about was how I didn't want her.  As soon as the thought popped in my head I started crying and that thought still haunts me to this day.  How could I even think that?! This beautiful, happy gift I have been given.  How could I not want her.  This wasn't an unplanned pregnancy.  It happened WAY faster then we thought it would, but it was planned.  I wanted another child, but I don't think I was ready for it.  From the moment I had that thought I have really struggled with everything.  I was always tired, rarely did any of the daily house chores, and played minimally with the kids.  I found myself putting Rowan's needs above Emmersyn's.  I never wanted to harm her in anyway, I just didn't want to take care of her (I assure you she has been well taken care of, I just didn't want to do it).  Breast feeding was so much more of chore to me this time around rather than a necessity like it was for Rowan.  I haven't really enjoyed it and was more then overjoyed when we went from every 3 hours to every 4 or 5 just recently.   I remember driving in the car and thinking about what would happen if we got in a car accident.  I remember thinking I would be devastated if anything happened to either of the kids, but if I had to pick one child to get injured I would pick Emmersyn.  How awful is that?!  I hate myself for having had thoughts like that.  What kind of mother am I for choosing a child that I would be okay with if they got hurt.  I have really struggled with myself for having those thoughts.  I was just in this fog all the time.  I never felt human.  Making decisions was difficult and just everyday tasks seemed impossible to complete.  I just kept thinking it would pass, but it didn't.  I got more and more anxious about everything.  Didn't want to talk to people, didn't want to leave the house or do pretty much anything.  I was working at the time as well and I remember just dreading having to go teach even though it was only 2 hours twice a week.   It wasn't until 2 months ago that I started to feel like myself again.  The fog lifted and I felt human again.  I have really started to think about what I went through and what I can do now to help myself get back to 100%. That is part of why I decided to write this all down. Putting it out there is the first step in talking about it.

I think after the first 3 or 4 months I really started to feel like I was bonding with Emmersyn.  I know with out a doubt that I love her with all of my being and I know she knows that.  I have never felt like she was in harms way or neglected.  It just took me a long time to bond the way I bonded so quickly with Rowan.  I have, however, continued to struggle with feeling like a horrible mom and especially a horrible wife.  Ryan has been amazing throughout this whole ordeal.  He really stepped up and took care of the house and would give me a break from the kids if he thought I needed one.  I never talked to him about how I was feeling and when he would ask I just told him that I was fine or didn't answer at all.  That is one of my biggest regrets in all of this.  I wish I would have talked to him about it. Besides my self-esteem, I think our marriage has suffered the most.  I hope that I will be better about talking with him because I know he is my biggest supporter.  He is my rock and means the world to me. 

I joined a playgroup a few months ago and that has been very helpful in getting me back in the groove.  It gets me out of the house with the kids and forces me to interact with other people.  I am still my usual quiet shy introverted self, but I am trying really hard to talk with other moms.  It is amazing how we all go through the same things and how just hearing someone else is annoyed by their kids every now and then makes you feel so much better about your parenting skills.  I signed up to run a 5k with some of the playgroup mommies so I am hoping that gets me back to the gym.  I think A LOT of my negative feelings stem from my self image and the weight I have been consistently gaining since college.  It really has been a negative force in my life and I know I am the only one that can change it.  I just need to find the will to do it. 

My biggest fear in writing this all down was that I would be labeled and judged as a bad mom and wife.  I struggle daily with these thoughts, but I know they are just that, thoughts.  My kids and my husband are my everything and I hope that through all of this I come out a better wife and mommy.  I am ready to start working hard to get back to being me.  I don't know if this phase was more then just the "baby blues", but whatever it was I am glad I'm through it and I think I'm coming out of it a better person.  I hope that if anyone is in a similar situation they will learn from my mistakes and talk with someone.  I really think my phase would have passed faster had I told someone how I was feeling.

Sorry if this was really rambly, I really just wanted to get it down so I can look back and see what struggles I went through and how I came out a better person.

Nicki